Every summer, swimming pools fill up not only with people, but with an assortment of bobbing, beautiful pool floats on which swimmers can lounge while soaking up some rays. And these days, a giant swan or sparkly unicorn may be among your more boring options for pool furnishings. Yawn!
Each year, floaties seem to get bigger, crazier, and yes, tackier, too. And this is a good thing, since if there’s any area of the home where tacky works, it’s in the pool.
To help you add some much-needed silliness to your summer, we’ve rounded up the most outrageous, conversationworthy floaties that you should consider adding to the water. Whether you want to while away hours atop a Whoopee-cushion, in a coffin, or on the coattails of the president of the United States, we’ve got you covered.
1. For Joe Biden fans
Our country is founded on freedoms, one being the freedom to float on whatever you darn well please. So if Joe Biden’s victory in November made you happy, pay homage with a floatie in his honor ($19.99). And if you’re hoping for a bipartisan pool, never fear, there’s a Donald Trump floatie, too.
2. For true pool sharks
Water and sharks simply go together, much like floaties and kitsch. So go ahead, loll through your summer, while floating inside a killer shark ($22.90). We’d rather see a plastic one in a pool over a real one in the ocean anytime.
3. Got a death wish?
Do you like your tackiness with a side of morbidity? Gotcha. Snag a coffin floatie ($75) and get your cadaver on. If people question your dark tastes, point out the happy pink color.
4. If you’re up for an epic water-gun battle
If relaxing in the sun isn’t quite your jam, consider buying this inflatable tank floatie, which comes with a built-in water gun ($81.99). You can even buy two, and do battle with an opponent to see whose aim is more on target.
5. If you never outgrew Whoopee-cushions
Fun fact: A Whoopee-cushion is also known as a “windy blaster.” So naturally, it made sense to turn this practical joke device about flatulence into … a pool toy? In the race for tackiest float, we may have a winner. Get yours for $23.60.
6. If you’ve always wanted your own cabana
Impossibly massive float? Check. Whiff of exclusivity? Check. Now all you need is a pool giant enough to fit a 10-by-7-foot floating cabana ($359). Floating velvet rope not included.
7. If Fido needs a floatie, too
You’re floating peacefully in your pool enjoying a dose of Vitamin D, when the other D in your life—your dog—whimpers from the shallow end. Luckily, there’s this dog floatie, actually engineered with the dog experts at Bark ($55.46). Bonus: you can get a matching floatie so nothing can separate you from your furry BFF.
8. To duke it out like loggers
We’ve all been there, peacefully relaxing at the pool, when you think, “Hey, I *really* feel like smacking someone with a big stick.” So you do what any normal person does and snag a couple of battle log rafts ($32.99).
9. If you miss cassette tapes
Old technology is all the rage these days. But since it’s kinda hard to defy gravity on an actual LP, grab a cassette-tape floatie instead ($59.99) and enjoy all the old-school music vibes. (Just don’t put a pencil in the center to try to rewind the tape.)
10. If you dig the Rolling Stones
Based on the Rolling Stones’ “Forty Licks” album, this pool float ($85.00) has quite the tongue-in-cheek appeal. Rock on, Mick Jagger fans!
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